Movie Review

FullReview

The night did not get onto a good start at all. We did not have enough money to pay for all of our tickets to begin with. And when we finally scrounged enough money to pay for all seven of us, we then find out that each ticket came with a buy one get one free offer. Essentially, each one of us was left with a get one free voucher but no one to give the free ticket to. Was this an omen? We did not think so. So our group soldiered on.

As we move into the theatre, a good scattering of people were already in place. Quite a good crowd for Chatswood Mandarin Centre standards of about twenty to thirty people. As the lights dimmed in front of us, an extravanganza of sights and sounds greeted us proclaiming what gread audio and visuals this state of the art cinema had. Somehow, we were not impressed as the sounds were all muffled and scratchy. We also did not believe Stereo sound was anything to get overexcited about anymore. I must admit, we do expect more than that. maybe too much?

Anyway onto the movie. Several trailers greeted us at first, showcasing the great movies to come in the future. We were excited. Then several other trailers came on and then several more. This was getting very annoying and boring until suddenly, the screen went blank and the movie came on. With great expectations we sat up in our seats and awaited the opening scenes.

And waited, and waited. To say the movie started off a little slow is an understatment, I liken it to watching the grass grow or watching a Snail run the one hundred metre sprint. The movie starts off introducing us to the characters in the movie.( I can't remember their names because the movie was so crap) Like any other cheap deep space sci-fi movie, there was a big impressive ship resembling a plastic model. but this was no ordinary ship, it was a rescue vessel. Ohhhhhhh! I exclaimed to myself. Furthermore, this medical ship had, surprise! A doctor, two medical staff, a computer specialist, a Captain and also a Co-pilot. Such a special cast. The Captain is an old geezer ( we won't worry about him cause he carks it five minutes into the movie ) The two medics can't stop playing doctor and nurse with eachother, the Doctor and the Co-Pilot, who is a former Hazen addict ( I think that is probably some sort of futuristic drug, probably similar to the Bong of nowdays ) hate eachother on the surface but harbour, yes you guessed it, deep obsessions and lust for eachother deep down in their hearts. And the computer guy has some scary and weird fetish where he is in love with his mainframe computer. Talk about your bad character development.

Well, back onto the movie. The crew receives a distress signal from a remote and uninhabited moon. As the good life savers that they are, the crew uses some sort of warp thing. But in this case, they have a nifty name called the Dimentional Jump. Some good looking graphics and special effects follow. Strangely resembling lightning hitting a television arial, but nonetheless, it was quite impressive. As the crew gets to their destination, they find that their Captain has been welded to the glass door on his capsule. ( Me thinks probably because he was trying to hump it ) But back to the story, so the crew has a very emotional time as they finally let the Captain die, dispite their best efforts to keep him alive. As if you can save a guy that has been welded to a piece of glass! Even with the modern medicinal miracles that we can perform. As this is happening, the ship runs straight into an asteroid belt. Guess the Co- pilot is still on drugs. Loosing most of their fuel in the process. Luckily the ship just happens to have enough fuel to stay afloat until the Dimentional Drive recharges and gets them home thus avoiding a firy grave on the blue giant. One can only guess the blue giant refers to the moon that they are orbiting and not the Genie from Aladdin. By now I am wishing that the traylers never stopped and were still going.

As the chaos calms down, a space shuttle moves towards the rescue ship with a person in distress inside it. As it docks, a handsome young man appears and joins the crew on the ship. Strangely though the Co-pilot, now acting captain and the Doctor are very suspicious of this character, therefore they search his ship for any foreign and suspicious objects. To their surprise they discover a blue, pink, purple glowing blob thing. Which they later define as a nine dimentional Alien object. Ohhhhh classy. And that it is enclosed by a three dimentional casing! So does that make it twelve dimentional? or merely still nine? The mind boggles. Furthermore, this object, resembling very much like a souped up lava lamp is actually a huge bomb that will destroy the entire galaxy including earth. Wow! Now thats a twist. here the plot thickens. with the knowledge of this nine dimentional lava lamp being on board and possibly able to blow the whole ship and the human race to kingdom come, the crew is finally able to relax and they get down to some hanky panky. With the Doctor and the Co-Pilot paring up ( what a surprise ) and the newcomer getting some action with the sexy medic woman person. While this is happening, the guy that the medic was going with before ( Lou Diamond Phillips ) is having his own fun with the lava lamp turned bomb ( I know its all very confusing, imagine what it feels like actually watching it ). It turns out that you can stick your hands and pretty much anything else you want inside it and it will make a very erotic moaning sound. All very fascinating. But what is really amazing is that it makes you stronger and younger! Sounds like a futurisitc rip off of GingSeng herbal tea.

In the meantime, the Co-pilot goes off to the moon to look for extra fuel, little does he know that he has been tricked and total carnage and mayhem breaing out on the rescue ship with everyone carking it apart from the Doctor. Another Twist in the story, so unpredictable. The Co-pilot returns to the ship to find that the new guy, under the influence of the lava lamp is trying to crack onto his chick. The co-pilot does not take kindly to this and they go at it, fighting to the death. At this stage, we can clearly see that being near the lava lamp has taken its toll on the new guy, as a side effect, all of his eyebrows have dropped off and his face now looks like it has been underwater for about a week. But that is a small price to pay when you are able to regenerate yourself, like putting on a severed arm, regrowing an eye or two, the possibilities are endless. Only if John Bobbet had discovered this strange Alien lava lamp.

Well to cut a long story short, the Co-pilot and the Doctor lure the alien thingy into a sealed compartment and blow him up with some explosive devise that just happens to be idly lying around. but not without the famous one finger salute. Now thats attitude. Thats about all that happened. apart from some weird eye thing that happened on the way back to earth, but that is too stupid to warrant any explainations.

Overall this movie was crap, the acting was crap, the story was crap, and even the fight scenes were crap. People should try to invent some new and fresh storylines, instead of cheating us out of our hard earned $8.50, beacuse this genre of movies is just too common now. And there has been much better previous offerings which are pretty much the same as Supernova. Event Horizon and the Aliens movies just to name a few.

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